


One of Them Days

by goldenspecter



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Autistic Turtles, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Love, Depression, Donatello-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Insecurity, Leo and Mikey make and appearance, Platonic Cuddling, Raphael-centric, TCEST DNI
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28258893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenspecter/pseuds/goldenspecter
Summary: When Donnie woke up this morning, he woke up with the familiar thrum of anger and irritation running through his body with more intensity than normal. Rubbing the crust out of the corners of his sleep-addled eyes, he jerkily grabbed his phone and turned off the alarm. It's one of Those Days, Donnie noted. Those Days where Donnie isn't capable of handling Mikey's over-enthusiastic optimism or Leon's chaotic trickster nature. His safest bet is to hang out with Raph, his calm and mellow demeanor always helped calm down before Donnie went on a rage fest and say anything he couldn't take back.Or, Donnie and Raph help each other out, balance each other, and make things a little less difficult.
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT), Donatello & Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 67





	One of Them Days

**Author's Note:**

> This is gift *insert number in relation to the order it's posted* out of five, since my stupid self decided to do five secret santas. This is for the Rise Twitter Secret Santa. My original giftee dropped out so I got assigned a new person, Zinony on Tumblr. Their favorite things were hugs and family moments and the whole Mad Dogz Squad are their favorite. I had already written this and this still fit what they wanted! I hope they like it!
> 
> Fic is set somewhere after the episode where Leo gets thrown of a building. Not directly after, but maybe a few episodes after? It's sometime after there but I don't think I gave any other details that make it super, super specific in the timeline. 
> 
> to Zinony and everyone else reading, I hope you all enjoy!

When Donnie woke up this morning, he woke up with the familiar thrum of anger and irritation running through his body with more intensity than normal. Rubbing the crust out of the corners of his sleep-addled eyes, he jerkily grabbed his phone and turned off the alarm. It's one of Those Days, Donnie noted. Those Days where Donnie isn't capable of handling Mikey's over-enthusiastic optimism or Leon's chaotic trickster nature. His safest bet is to hang out with Raph, his calm and mellow demeanor always helped calm down before Donnie went on a rage fest and say anything he couldn't take back. 

  


With a goal in mind, Donnie rolled out of his bed, brushed his teeth, grabbed his phone and laptop, and unhooked Shelldon from his charging station. He went out of his room and headed over to Raph's room. 

  


To the fourteen-year-old's surprise and thankfully, he hadn't run into Mikey or Leon as he trekked over to Raph's room. Donne brushed open the curtain to Raph's room and found his only older brother lounging in bed with his phone in one hand and his oversized teddy bear in his other arm. 

  


"Hey Raph," Donnie waved. Raph acknowledged him with a subtle nod of his head. "It's…. I'm having one of those days."

  


"I'm having one of those days too," Raph said in a mumble that Donnie barely heard. The red-masked turtle released his hold on his teddy bear to allow Donnie to curl up with them. Donnie took the offer, throwing his phone and laptop on the bed before planking onto the bed, crawling up under his brother, and placing Raph's muscley arm around him to keep him secure and safe. Raph laid his tail over Donnie’s legs to give him another layer of safety and security. 

  


Donnie rubbed his face into his brother's arms, already feeling somewhat at ease. "Do you...do you want to talk about it?" Donnie offered even though he's no good at these moments of emotional vulnerability. Regardless, he would do anything to help Raph with his depressive episodes. 

  


Raph shrugged with a slight shake of his head. "Can we watch My Little Pony?" he asked. "I think we stopped at the season one finale. 

  


"Yeah, sure," Donnie said, opening his laptop and streaming the next episode. The opening notes play and Raph hummed along, his deep voice gave Donnie a sense of comfort that not even Splinter can provide. He loved watching the show with Raph, even with his emotionally distant bad boy persona but he's certain that his inability to openly admit his love for the bright colorful ponies had something to do with his insecurities of being a softshell and being perceived as "soft" or lesser and that's something he'll deal with at a later date. 

  


Right now, Donnie and Raph needed each other. 

* * *

  


Midway through their miniature My Little Pony marathon, Donnie's stomach growled. He’d forgotten that he didn’t eat anything last night, skipped breakfast to come straight to Raph’s room to hang out with him. So for once in his fourteen years of being alive, Donnie will do something that he would never do voluntarily:

  


He was going to eat a meal at a reasonable time. A huge shocker. 

  


Donnie softly tapped Raph’s arm, softly whispering ‘pap, pap, pap’ as he did so. Raph turned his head slightly to let his brother know that he was paying attention. “I’m hungry,” Donnie said. 

  


“Mmkay,” Raph said passively. “Go fix yourself something to eat then bro.”

  


“Are you...are you hungry too?” Donnie asked. Someone has to make sure that Raph was going to eat something when he was in the middle of his depressive episodes. Raph had a terrible tendency to not eat when he was like this. 

  


“No,” answered Raph. Seeing Donnie’s questionable look, Raph frowned. “I’m really not hungry.” 

  


The thing is, Donnie would like to think that Raph isn’t really hungry. He really would like to think that but he knew from experience that when he said ‘I’m not hungry’, it was just really a way to deflect and hide away from whatever was bothering him, ranging from his insecurities to recent nightmares to whether his brothers hated him because he responded badly to how they responded about a joke he made. Donnie knew that ‘I’m not hungry’ was just code for wanting to bury away and not talk about it and slowly self-destruct. He’s already doing that to himself, he won’t allow his brothers,  _ especially _ Raph to do that to himself. 

  


“When was the last time you’ve eaten something?” Donnie inquired. 

  


Raph had gone silent and looked away from his younger brother. 

  


“Raphael,” Donnie said warningly, turning his head to look at his brother. He raised an eyebrow at how evasive the other was being. “Answer the question.” 

  


Raph still didn’t say anything and Donnie was growing increasingly worried and frustrated. That intense thrum of frustration from this morning that had slowly fizzled out was coming back more intensely than before. Donnie wished that he wasn’t having Those Days while trying to help Raph with his depressive episodes. He’s afraid that he’s going to snap, say something that he can’t take back and hurt his brother because he’s incapable of calming that ever-present irritation deeply rooted in his person. 

  


“I don’t really remember,” Raph said quietly. 

  


“Well that does it big guy,” Donnie said. “Come on, let’s go get something to eat.”

  


The fifteen-year-old turned his head to face Donnie. “But I’m not-”

  


Donnie should nip this protesting in the bud before it truly started. “It doesn’t have to be anything heavy,” Donnie said in a placating voice. He’s not used to speaking this softly or this gently unless it’s to mock someone. “It can just be something small like some chips or a sandwich...or three.”

  


Raph had never been one to deny his brothers what they wanted and he really couldn’t stop that trend now. He gave a small nod in response. Donnie patted his arm, whispering ‘pap, pap, pap’ once more. “Come on then, let’s go.”

* * *

Donnie and Raph are somewhat polar opposites when it came to how they operated on Those Days. Donnie, in contrast to his solitary nature, preferred to cuddle up to Raph. On the other hand, Raph would have liked to drape a large, heavy blanket over him and curl up with one of his giant teddy bears, in spite of his hatred of being alone. Donnie could work with that, he didn’t mind working with that. 

  


The only problem was that Raph brought his blanket along with him on their way to the kitchen and Donnie was constantly tripping over the blanket as it was being dragged across the floor. But Donnie won’t complain about it since it brought Raph with a sense of comfort and security and he knew that if he complained about it, Raph would rid himself of it to make Donnie at ease and take away what was ultimately a minuscule inconvenience for him. 

  


Raph was self-sacrificing like that. Overgenerous, willing to give out so much of himself for his brothers. Donnie might be okay with that-he’s not  _ really _ okay with it-when they’re out on patrol, when they’re fighting but he won’t let Raph keep that up when he’s in the safety and familiarity of his own home, a place where he’s supposed to be unabashedly himself, even with big blankets that trailed across the floor and tripped the fourteen-year-old. 

  


So, he won’t speak on it. Besides, Donnie had to learn how to be a little less selfish while Raph needed to learn how to be a little more selfish. 

  


The two teenagers made it into the kitchen. 

Mikey and Leo were in the kitchen, in all of their loud, frenetic, ebullient chaotic energy. 

  


Donnie was certain that God had looked down on him and decided to torment him even further. However, for his older brother and to make sure that he ate something, Donnie will repress all of his aggressive tendencies for now. 

  


“Raph, what are you in the mood for?” Donnie asked. A loud clatter rang in his ears, causing him to turn his head at the offender, his eyebrows scrunching upward together in sheer irritation. Leo sheepishly grinned, shrugging his shoulders, and hastily picked up the two pots and pans that was the source of the clatter. 

  


The eldest turtle shrugged, “I don’t really know.” Raph wrapped the blanket around him even tighter as he lazily looked around the kitchen. 

  


Indecisiveness. Don’s secret weakness. Not that his secret weakness was being indecisive but rather having to deal and  _ solve _ someone else’s indecisiveness was his secret weakness. Mikey’s and Leo’s were easy to deal with but Raph’s indecisiveness was usually a behemoth that stemmed from his anxiety, panic disorders and a bunch of other things. Normally, he could rely on Leo and Mikey to help him with Raph’s inability to make choices but seeing that he’s incapable of tolerating interacting with his younger two brothers, it was all up to Donnie. 

  


Luckily for him, he remembered that five-three-one rule that April taught him to help combat indecisiveness. Vaguely, he vaguely remembered it. “Okay Raph, we’re going to play a game,” Donnie said. 

  


“A game?” Raph inquired. 

  


Donnie nodded. “A game,” he repeated. Mikey’s and Leo’s voice grated against his ears. Have they always been this loud? How had he managed to deal with them for so long? He shouldn’t be thinking these things, he’s only thinking like this because he’s having one of Those Days. He loved his brothers and every single disruptive, chaotic thing about them, even if he came across as irritated half the time. “I’ll present you with five choices to help you decide what we’ll eat, okay?” 

  


“Alright.”

  


“Cool,” Donnie said. “Chips, sandwiches, burritos, Chinese food, and pizza. Now you pick three.”

  


Even when presented with a limited array of choices, Raph was still indecisive. What if he made the wrong choice and Donnie didn’t like it? There was the ever-present fear of making the wrong choice and Raph hated making the wrong choice since there it always backfired terribly for his brothers. Look at the Big Mama incident, the Roof Incident, and those were the ones that he could think of at the top of his head. “Uhh,” he said slowly. Raph hated making choices, even if they were ultimately miniscule and had no real effect on anyone, such as this moment. “Burritos, Chinese food, and Chips.”

  


The purple masked turtles gave a non-committal hum, pleased with how well Raph was doing. He opened his mouth to respond, but the sound of rushing water and dishes clattering together interrupted him once again. With the rushing water, the dishes clashing against each other, and Leo’s and Mikey’s joyful, loud  _ disruptive  _ voices, blended into a cacophony that he couldn’t ignore anymore. So he turned around, away from his only source of sanity at the moment to face the cause of his current predicament. Donnie’s hands formed into fists, as if he actually had the chance to throw hands with his brothers. His mind might have chosen violence for him today, but he knew that he would never  _ willingly _ choose to be violent with his brothers, worsened temper and lower tolerance be damned. It took him a moment, but he took several deep breaths and unclenched his fists to try and quell that violent anger that filled his body. 

  


Donnie’s best bet right now? Is to stay still, still  _ close _ to his older brother, who can easily reign him in if he got too out of it, if his body and mind still chose violence against his younger two brothers. 

  


“Would you two kindly  _ shut up?” _ he hissed angrily, louder than what he wanted to be. Although he held back that anger before it bursted out of the floodgates, Donnie still hated how angry and irritated he sounded. It didn’t have that classic Donnie charm that made his normal shows of irritation and annoyance bearable and enjoyable, sounding flat out cruel and vindictive. 

  


To his surprise, Mikey and Leo did shut up. They looked at each other, then Don, then Raph. 

  


“Oh,” Mikey said slowly, finally understanding what was going on. “It’s one of Those Days huh?” 

  


“Yep,” Raph said quietly. Donnie hated how quiet Raph was during his depressive episodes. One of Donnie’s secret fears was Raph going quiet, permanently. He feared any of his brothers going quiet forever, their loud, ambitious selves forever stifled. So far, that fear hasn’t been realized just yet but Donnie still worried that with every depressive episode that Raph went in, that he was going to go silent forever and never hear his brother’s impulsive liveliness. 

  


“Is there anything we can do to help?” Leo asked. Responsibility was never his thing, since he was one to always shove his duties and whatnot on one of his other brothers. He’s the face man, the cool guy, and cool face guys don’t  _ do _ responsibilities. Seeing Leo willingly choose to take on a responsibility, something that required him to put in actual effort is unexpecting, to say the least. 

  


Donnie didn’t think it was necessarily a  _ bad  _ thing. A pleasant surprise, is what he would call it. 

  


Before he could answer, Raph beat him to the punch. “No,” he said, because having Donnie invading his space is enough at the moment. It’s bad enough that he had to rely on Don to help him with his depressive episodes, Raph couldn’t handle his younger two brothers barging in and trying to help. He was already failing at this whole leader/biggest brother thing by having to rely on Donnie when he should be handling this issue by himself, where it wouldn't inconvenience anyone. Relying and pushing his problems on his two younger brothers would only make things worse. 

  


“Oh, okay.” Leo said, feeling weird and out of place at that moment. Perhaps it was because it was Raph who rejected him instead of Donnie. Rejection from Donnie was normal, it was an everyday thing, ranging from pineapple on pizza to letting him near Shelldon. Leo knew how to deal with those nos because it happened all the time. 

  


Hearing a ‘no’ from Raph though? It wasn’t commonplace, it wasn’t a  _ ThingTM  _ that happened on the daily and Leo had no clue how to deal with it. He had that feeling that Raph thought that he wasn't good enough or capable enough to help them with their Bad Days, but considering from the racket that he and Mikey had made, maybe Raph was right to think that way about him. Leo still wanted to help either way, no matter how small it was. He wanted to prove that he could be useful and helpful to his brothers. 

  


Mikey wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "How about you and I watch Jupiter Jim today?" he suggested with a smile. "The ramen I just made would go deliciously with a Jupiter Jim film."

  


Jupiter Jim...sounded nice. Leo thought he might be able to handle that. Maybe if he watched a few movies with his younger brother, Leo could prove that he had ample opportunity to be useful and helpful to his brothers. "Sure."

  


"Come on and help me carry this food then," Mikey said. Leo helped Mikey carry the food they had made into the theater room leaving Raph and Donnie alone in the kitchen. 

  


"Do we need to play the game again?" Raph asked. 

  


Raph's words hadn't fully registered with Donnie until a few seconds later when he blinked and puffed his cheeks. "No," he said. "Let's eat Chinese food."

  


Donnie went into the fridge, pulled out leftover Chinese food, and heated it up for a few moments. Raph followed him behind, Donnie knew that it was to keep him company even though the other would have preferred to be alone and Donnie was forever thankful. The microwave beeped a few minutes later, letting Donnie know that the food was done. Carefully, he took it out of the microwave, grabbed two forks, and jerked his head, letting Raph know it was time to go back to his room.

  


This time around, Donnie led the way to Raph's room because he wasn't really in the mood to trip over Raph's blanket and tail while carrying hot food. When the two had made it back to Raph's room, Raph had thrown himself on his bed and buried himself in his blanket. Donnie carefully resumed his position from earlier, taking extra care not to drop their food. 

  


Raph resumed the episode, and Donnie started eating. He wished that he had picked up some soy sauce and duck sauce while they were in the kitchen. Maybe he should be secretly glad that he didn't put any sauces on their food since he wasn't sure how Raph liked his food during his episodes. Getting him to eat was hard enough and Donnie didn't want to risk ruining Raph's non-existent appetite by mucking up their food. 

  


"You doing okay?" Raph asked, breaking Donnie out of his thoughts. 

  


"I'm better," Donnie answered honestly. Since their return to Raph's room, Donnie has felt a lot calmer than when he was in the kitchen. But even with him feeling calmer, he felt even worse because if he could be calm here, then why couldn't he be calm with Leo and Mikey amongst all of their ruckus? It made him feel like he was faking Those Days, like he was being selective as to who he lashed out on and he hated feeling that way. 

  


Raph wasn't sure. Donnie sounded like he was telling the truth, but he needed to be certain. "Are you sure?"

  


"Yea," he said. "But sometimes, it feels like I'm faking it. Because if I can be calm with you, then I should be calm with Leo and Mikey but I'm not and sometimes I feel like it's just me being selective or some shit."

  


Words were not Raph's best friend. They never really were. Anxiety and panic disorders habitually rob you of the words you needed in order to function on a daily basis. Words were especially harder during his depressive episodes. Raph had a tendency to go quiet, and not really speak unless spoken too, speaking in the fewest words possible. Raph hoped he had the words to help his younger brother right now. "Your brain is just being mean to you right now, you're not faking it or anything. Sometimes your own family...just makes things a little hard to deal with sometimes."

  


Donnie set the container of food down. "Your brain is being mean to you too," Donnie said as his own way of thanking Raph. He's still bad with the actually saying ‘thank you’ bit. “I’d fight it if I could.”

  


“Thanks,” Raph said, turning his attention to the laptop and continuing to watch  _ My Little Pony _ while Donnie resumed eating. 

  


Once Donnie ate over half of his food, he saved a little for Raph, not too little where Raph isn’t really getting anything in his body but not too much to where he felt overwhelmed. He sat the container of food in front of Raph, who gave a shifty look to Donnie before hiding his head in his shell, using his arms to cover his face. 

  


Donnie held back a groan. “Raph,” he said warningly. “Come on, we talked about this. You need to eat.” He was afraid that Raph had only agreed to eating something without actually doing so to appease his younger brother. 

  


Raph continued hiding his head in his shell and Donnie calmly waited for Raph to respond on his own terms. Trying to get Raph to speak before he was ready always resulted in him becoming even quieter. 

  


“It’s too much food,” Raph said finally. He felt dumb saying it out loud. Imagine being cowed by the idea of having too much food. It was pathetic and he felt so stupid for having this problem and having to tell Donnie about it. Donnie was already having trouble today and here Raph went adding on to his problems, with something so silly as having too much food. “Can’t eat it all.”

  


“You don’t have to eat it all,” Donnie said, picking up a container to section off a small amount of food for Raph and then set it back down in front of him. “Just that small bit I set aside for you.” He pointed to the smaller section of food. 

  


An eternity had passed, or what felt like an eternity, Raph picked up the fork and slowly put a forkful of food in his mouth. Donnie rubbed the top of Raph’s head in an encouraging manner, not stopping as Raph chewed, swallowed, and ate another forkful of food. It took Raph awhile and several episodes of My Little Pony, but he managed to eat all of the food that Donnie set aside for him. 

  


Donnie rubbed the top of Raph’s head once more, “You did good, I’m really proud of you big bro.” Saying those words was foreign, yes, but definitely worth it to see Raph flash him a small smile. It was a ghost of the big toothed grins that Raph flashed on the daily but it was a smile nonetheless. 

  


Donnie made a promise to himself to say that more more often to his brothers. He took the plate of food from Raph, placed the top back on the container and leaned forward to place it at the end of the bed. He leaned back, scooting up against Raph and got comfortable again. 

  


“Are you doing okay?” Donnie asked. 

  


Raph thought for a moment. “I’m doing okay,” he said, “You being here being helped a lot.”

  


Donnie smiled, happy to know that his older brother is doing okay, and that his presence helped out a lot. “I’m doing okay too,” Donnie admitted before Raph could even get a chance to ask. “You’re helping a lot just by being here too.”

  


And Donnie stood by that statement, leaning in to wrap his arms around Raph’s neck to give him a hug and bombard him with affection that his brother righteously deserved and needed. Raph sniffled, hugging his brother back, glad that even during his moments of weakness, that Donnie was willing to stand by him and be with him while he rode out his depressive episodes. 

  


“I love you, Raph,” Donnie said.

  


Raph hugged Donnie tighter. “I love you too.”

  


Words and phrases such as ‘thank you’ and ‘I love you’ were hard for Donnie to say. They were a bit foreign for him when he said them, tasted a little odd after the words spilled out of his mouth, but Donnie had to confess, it was worth it. The weird tastes, the unease when he said it, was all worth it. 

  


As long as Donnie and Raph had each other, then Those Days were nothing that the two brothers couldn't handle. 

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment and kudos!! <3


End file.
